Right before the new summer blockbuster drops, there have been some seriously disgusting events that have transpired near enough to my person, that I feel it necessary to start this new feature. This will be the first of many missives that I type out onto the site, all of which will be available under the “Jonny’s Final Word” category tag on the right side of the screen. I’ll cover any number of topics from director profiles, movie reviews or (as is the case here) I’ll gripe about how much something chafes my ass -not literally of course.
Today’s rant is going to target GI Joe fans. Yeah, you heard me! Could I be so audacious that I’d dare to bring the ire and wrath of these people upon myself? Yes, I would. But a better question would be why are movie studios afraid of GI Joe fans? I just heard today, that there is huge blackout going on regarding preview passes for the new movie, so as to slow the impending bad reviews. This, it would seem, is due in no small part to online reviewers and backwoods forums prowlers who have gotten comfy in their anonymous and completely irresponsible (and mostly nonsensical) cloaks of hate. The very minute these goons saw the first trailer, the criticism came rolling in. And I have to wonder what they wanted from a GI Joe movie, why the reprehensibly stupid TF movies get a pass and why a studio would make a movie for such cheap and cranky fans?
Let’s start with how impossibly silly the entire GI Joe franchise is. It’s either toys that are pretty blatantly gay, (with characters like Hard Master and Soft Master) being bought by grown men wearing stained sweat pants and blather on about MMA to prove their manhood or a cartoon that is even more gay (with characters like Beachhead and Cobra Commander… come on, think about it). There’s a white guy who is a mute ninja and he has a dog for a friend… what kind of a cool movie could you really make from this TV show that has after school specials tagging the end of every episode? Much like complaining that Masters of the Universe didn’t have Dolph Lundgren riding a big jungle cat or playing his alter ego Prince Adam in purple tights, I think fans need to pull their heads out of their asses and realize that some of this shit just doesn’t work on the big screen.
This of course brings us to why studios even try. Quentin Tarantino once said that he would never make a superhero movie based on some franchise because he knew that the fans would just try and rip it to pieces. Nothing makes fans happy! After the vomit inducing spectacle that was the first TF movie, fans are treated to more of what was in the first flick and they come out screaming that it was terrible! Give me a break! Studios seem to think that the Harry Knowles’ of the world can make or break a movie before it even comes out and this is so insanely stupid of them. trafficking comments on Harry’s site will show that more than half of the comments are from people who claim to hate him. Evidenced by the fact that he gave Phantom Menace a glowing review and then six months later he claims that Lucas raped his childhood is proof positive that he has absolutely zero credibility! Most people that write in forums are sad and lonely social misfits who use these sites to voice their opinions, hoping they’ll be heard. Most of the time their opinions can written off completely due to poor spelling, grammar or simply making no sense (as has been evidenced on this very site). How could these people be any threat to a studio’s production? If TF2 sucked so bad, why did you all go see it twice? How is it still such a money maker?
So in closing I will be putting on the record, that I think the GI Joe movie will be fun and it looks great for a project based on a really silly franchise. I think people need to get their heads screwed on straight. Studios need to get some balls and stop fearing the fan reprisals and start putting out more R rated movies when they’re appropriate instead of always trying to shoehorn in some extra kiddy tickets at the expense of good movies. And finally, I’ve heard that the stupid mech armor in the trailer is only featured in one scene… phew! Thank god for that! Come on people, it’s got freaking ninjas! Ninjas! that fight should at least be worth admission.